decisions, decisions...

The steps of Harvard's famed Widener Library

Late in December, after the Early Action decisions came out, I had a moment of panic. Deep in the Quora and Reddit threads, I found myself doubting: was Harvard really as competitive and stressful as its reputation made it out to be? Did the students there prefer to compete with each other rather than build each other up? Would I be unable to handle the pressure and spend the next four years unhappy?

These became serious concerns, and before those January 1st deadlines, I found myself sending in a couple more applications to schools with reputations of being collaborative and more laid-back. Just to be sure I would never be left wondering “what could have been.”

To be quite honest, I never expected that come March I’d actually be faced with a difficult choice. Rather— I never expected that I would have the good fortune to be making such a crazy choice. At the beginning of my college application process, Yale and Harvard were my two dream schools, and getting into even one of them was something I hardly even dared to imagine.

The courtyard of one of Yale's residential colleges

After Ivy Day passed, I thought for sure I was living a dream. How was I, some random, ordinary girl from a small town, getting the chance to pick from two of the best universities in the country? Yale was that school with the reputation for being more collaborative and, well, happy. I was suddenly torn. For months, I had been set on Harvard, but I was now no longer sure.

Fortunately, both schools offered a set of visit days. Yale came first with their Bulldog Days in the middle of April, and I was able to take a trip to New Haven over spring break. Those few days were pretty damn awesome in a lot of ways. There were events upon events run by every imaginable student organization. The arts scene was incredible; I was absolutely stunned by the diverse array of musicians who performed during their Welcome Showcase. Moreover, on the last day of Bulldog Days, I attended a master class called “Psychology and the Good Life,” teaching habits of happiness— the most popular class in Yale’s history. Meanwhile, all the people I talked to on campus seemed to confirm the reputation I had heard about Harvard. All this seemed like a direct address to my hesitations: I would be happier at Yale than Harvard.

I came back from Yale more unsure than ever. I was supposed to be really comfortable and excited and happy at Yale, given its reputation, right? But to be honest, I didn’t really feel that way. I began to think perhaps it was my own problem. Maybe I wasn’t suited for the pressure of these top schools after all.

In any case, I let my insecurities settle while I waited for Visitas, Harvard’s official admitted students weekend. Going up to Cambridge last weekend, I was nervous as all hell. What if I didn’t like it in that same way I was unsure about Yale?

To my shock, within the first few hours I arrived at Harvard, my fears were assuaged. Harvard felt right. It felt almost immediately like home. The political community founded in their Institute of Politics was absolutely unparalleled, and it was exactly the kind of environment I dreamed of for college. The arts scene was amazing too, but certainly a little less intense— something I’d actually be able to participate in. There was an incredibly strong Asian American community, and specifically an Asian American women community. The economics department had so many research and career opportunities with a clear group of advisors— room for me to fully explore all the pathways I’ve been considering. Most of all, though, I loved the people there. They were not at all like the stereotypes made them out to be. They were friendly, welcoming, and knew how to have fun. Specifically, they had fun in the same way I had fun: dance parties where most us are terrible at dancing (ahem...myself), 4am debates about ethics in the basement of Adams House. Yes, it was “Harvard,” with its big name and reputation, but it was also a community of human beings where I felt a sense of belonging.

When I came back from Visitas on April 30th, I knew without a doubt where I was going. It was Harvard.

Truthfully, there were a lot of factors that could have gone into why Harvard felt “right" last weekend. Maybe it was because part of me had already convinced myself I was going there, and maybe it was because I just happened to be in a better place emotionally during that weekend. I don’t really know. Truthfully, there probably was no “right” choice, and either school would have granted me equally unforgettable experiences, both good and bad.

Even as I look towards the fall confident in the choice I've made, I’m certain that at some point in the future I’ll still struggle from imposter syndrome or feel overwhelmed by college academics and life. My fears are something I'm going to have to work on, regardless of where I go. It’s struggling, learning, and adapting. But more on that in the next blog.

For now, we'll call the alignment of all these factors during Visitas a stroke of fate, and that things have happened this way because they're meant to be this way.

Congratulations to all my fellow seniors who may be reading this blog on their decisions— we made it through the college app process!

Harvard 2023!